Awakening?

I need to make sense of this and the only way I can do this is by writing words onto a page.

For so long, I feel I haven’t been able to feel anything.

I seemed to have closed off my channel of feeling  &emotion and become oblivious to the world around me. It helped me get through the hard times, not being consumed by sadness when life got stressful; but it also deprived me of the good times, not being able to fully savor those moments.

Because of this, I have completely lost direction of my life. I don’t know what I want, where I want my life to go, or who I wanted to be.

I’ve been just floating aimlessly with the wind, while the world continues to progress around me.

I’ve been needing something to feel again, something to shake my core, to give me purpose. I’ve been needing an awakening.

My stomach is sick, I’m trying to deny it, but it’s probably shock.

I’ve felt any remainder of the pride I have left shattered.

My remaining go to when I needed to at least try feel something has been stripped away.

I could blame it on the circumstances or on an unlucky turn of events. But at the heart of it, I know it was all me, I can only blame myself.

I had tried to overtake while the ground had no traction and I spun out of control. “Spun out of control”, I’ve heard this phrase so many times, but to experience it first hand was something else. Normally with driving, the only control you have of taming such a fast machine is the contact of tyres with the ground. Lose that and the beast takes over and does what it wants. It was like being on a roller coaster without any tracks, it could have gone anywhere.

I could’ve died.

There was no certainty of anything as my car spun out of control, it could have gone so so so much worse. I have to be grateful I got home safely.

Driving for the past few years has been my go to when I had nothing or no one else. I would just go for a drive and try to ease my thoughts.

Even everyday commute was a new adventure each time. To me, there’s this social aspect of driving in how you present yourself on the road with the way to drive and the interaction with other drivers.

There really is nothing about driving I dislike (except traffic).

Now that I think about it, my greatest pride was trying to be the most respectable and safest driver out there. Driving can kill cause we all make bad choice and the least we can do out there is to minimize the risk.

I always did my best to check my blindspots, maintain safe following distance, and kept in mind to give way even when I didn’t need to. I really did try to drive as well as I can to account for other’s mistakes.

But now I feel the one thing I could be proud of has been stripped away.

I no longer have a clean record.

In some way, I feel I’ve been completely broken as a person.

And in the same way, I’m ready to start anew and hopefully find purpose again, knowing that I can actually feel some sort of emotion.

When I was driving back after the crash, I wasn’t even sad, I was strangely excited cause something had finally happened in my life to wake me up from oblivion

I’d been needing to be shaken up or else I’d continue to ignore the pain and not make the most out of life.

So I feel things can only get better from here.

And it’s almost my 21^st, so how fitting.

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