Book of Redemption & Regrets: Critical Morales

Now that I've gone over the lighter stuff, I can dig right into the deeper stuff that's been going on in my life.

I have to admit that ever since I decided to leave God, I've changed.
Not for the good in most cases.
There has frankly been alot more negativity.

Now that I'm stuck in Hong Kong with just my mom and sister, the amount of negativity I can contain inside of me has been pushed way too far.
I am miserable.

Just in case I seem to hate my family in the following post, I actually don't, there are times I do and I know I am in the wrong at those times, but at the end of they day they're family and I love them.

I haven't had the burn of hatred in so long.
I hate hatred.

But what sparked me to write this post was my hatred - for my sister.
My mom too.

There is no way I can possibly justify these feelings, so I am not going to go too in depth about what caused me to have these feelings as it's just a lost cause.
But in short, it's just me being stupid and immature.
_______

Background

I have never been able to relate to my mom, even though I have most of her genes.
She's a loud mouth, I try not to speak too much.
She likes to plan, I'm cool with being spontaneous.
She's a die hard Christian, I'm not because she (supposedly) is.

So it hasn't been easy having to live face to face with her for the past week.

To make it harder, throw my sister into the mix.

Me and my sister are unfortunately not the ideal siblings, the type that are supposedly close and lovey dovey with each other, or even the type that fight alot. We - well I, usually try act if she doesn't exist.
It's easier that way.

But it's kinda hard to if it has just been me, her, and mom together for the past week. So I've been forced to interact with them. It hasn't worked.

Pharisee

Usually when I go to Hong Kong, and this goes for my family too, we buy alot of stuff. It's almost the main reason we go to Hong Kong - to buy cheap stuff.

Well now that I've grown up a bit this year, I've had a bit more conscience not to mindlessly buy crap that I don't need.

I'm not saying I'm not materialistic anymore, in fact I'm more materialistic these days that I have money capabilities and I have the world at my fingertips. But I know from experience that accumulating things makes one feel very empty very fast and isn't worth the chase.

Now that I had adopted what I thought was a good mindset, I guess I kind of expected my mom and sister think the same because they're Christians.

That's what hit me hard.
I pretty much expected my mom and sister to be better than me in all things, because they're Christians. Now that I supposedly one up'd them, I almost felt that they were hypocrites for not being better.

My sister was being a leech and constantly getting my mom to buy her loads of crap and I was trying to initiate some self control onto her and in return she was really cocky and cheeky to me, it pissed me off and that grew into hatred.

Last night I was walking home pretty furious at my mom because she hadn't handled a situation "Christ-like"... I realised I started holding things about my mom that weren't Christlike because she was constantly saying how aspired to be so.

Is this what has become of me as an "ex-Christian" - tearing other Christians apart?

Well that's something for me to think about. I just really needed to write it out and be honest about it, but maybe you can relate too.

My Morale

Comparing my family's actions to mine really questioned my own morals.

Even though I was really annoyed at my sister and mom, I still had this desire in me to try and forgive and love them unconditionally. But why?

The only reason I would have done such an absurd thing by the world's standards is if I was a Christian and tried to live "Christ-like".
There's no other reason to do so right?

It's so easy to hate, be violent, take revenge, release my anger - punch them in the face, explode at them in insults - I thought.
I really wanted to, but there I was lying silently in my bed in conflict at why I was doing what I was doing, and not doing what I wanted to do.

Maybe being a Christian for so long has 'skewed' my mind so much.

Well here I was thinking, is there any reason to try do "good" other than "because Christ did so" and everything along those lines?

Is there any point in trying to be a better person when we know we will always fail at some point?
Why was I still trying to build a set of good morals and become a better person myself?

I just threw out a question I may never get an answer to.
I guess I just have a good feeling about this.

Until next time~