I know, I haven't posted anything in forever, and I am well aware about it.
So a good place to start would probably be how I've been, as selfish as it sounds.
"so how are you Jono?"
I apologise in advance, as this will probably end up being an 'actual blog', where people give updates of their petty lives, something I usually try not to do too explicitly on this blog.
Also, as it's been quite long since I've really 'updated' you guys, this is bound to be a long post. So if you're still interested, let's do this.
Also, as it's been quite long since I've really 'updated' you guys, this is bound to be a long post. So if you're still interested, let's do this.
So... "how are you?"
If you've asked me this the past few months, and I replied with "alright", or even "good", it wasn't entirely true. If I was completely honest, I've been pretty sh*t.
Not a good start huh..
That probably contributes to the reason I haven't been blogging much.
But really, after I graduated high school, I've neglected anything social. It was too easy during my long three month break, too easy to stay at home everyday and end up wasting a few months.
Down went my 'social skills' - as if I had any to begin with.
But anyways, University then started for me, and one of the big differences I noticed as opposed to high school is that I was completely on my own.
Being on my own meant I had to make my own friends.
I've never been any good at that, after a few months of rotting at home on my own, I was as bad at making friends as one could possibly be.
Uni life for me pretty much didn't involve talking to anyone at all, and at home I don't really talk at all, except for the "good mornings", "good nights" etc. So slowly, I seem to have retreated to myself.
These days, I just don't open up to people, it's just something I don't do. As I look back now at me opening up to you guys on this blog, I almost despise myself, it all seems really 'cheesy' - if fact, that's how I feel right now.
Is this the real me?
Something inside me tells me this isn't me... but my heart's hardened, I'm fully convinced this is the true me. "I was such a try hard when I openly shared my thoughts on various things, I'm cool like this now, antisocial and all that." I've become stubborn.
I kind of got an 'attempted' wake up call last Sunday. A previous small group leader of mine wanted to catch up with me, so the polite person that I am, I kindly accepted.
Straight to the point - she pretty much noticed I've become all passive this year, whereas apparently I was all into it last year, willing to speak up first, being very open, etc. As I listened to her, I seriously could not remember myself being like that at all last year.
I had a mini identity crisis for a slight second there, trying to figure out if I could have actually been that person I was last year. But my heart quickly hardened again.
Who am I?
You may be confused now then, how did I manage to open up to write this?
I kinda just took a pill...
Well I felt like I did.
For a good few minutes tonight, while and after working out, I felt exactly as Bradley Cooper did when he took that pill in the movie Limitless. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it.
This pill pretty much let people use their brain at it's full potential, people could see and do things they usually couldn't do. What I also noticed is that it filled him with positive energy.
As I think about it now, it seems I'm in the same situation as Bradley was in the movie.
It started with him struggling through life, facing many problems. Then came along these guys that offer him this pill and he takes it. Instantly, his world flips "right side up" - it lights up.
Everything radiates.
Everything seems possible.
Everything is resonating positive energy.
He picks himself up, finishes a book he'd been writing for a very long time - within a day.
Becomes rich, successful, and so on. The point I want to make is how his whole perspective shifted, from slugging through life just to make it through one day, he suddenly saw everything in a positive manner. Everything was painted with bright colours.
Tonight, I experienced something very similar.
I felt so motivated, I felt like I could continuously workout, without the feeling of laziness or wanting to give up for the rest of my life.
My workload at Uni felt so doable. I felt I could go home right now, study hard, and do well in all my tests/assignments and not have to worry about procrastinating.
During badminton, I was actually smiling and talking to people, greeting them as I walked past... I was extremely shocked at this, but it felt somewhat good.
As I left the badminton hall to my car, I couldn't help but notice how well I parked my car, as weird as it sounds.
I felt so positive about everything!
If there was a pill for this, I'd definitely be hooked right now.
I'd had surges of this type of positive energy here and there the past few months, but it had never felt as great as this. This time it lasted a bit longer, and in that moment of clarity, I knew I needed more of this - a life's supply.
But how?
That's the question.
I really do want to figure this out.
And until I do, I don't see myself being able to break out of this shell and open up.
This probably also means I won't blog too often, or even at all.
My system's probably almost completely rid of it as I wrap this up.
But not all is lost.
I've lost purpose lately.
I've been a restless wanderer.
This might have just given me purpose once again.
"The Quest to Harness Positive Energy."
Wish me luck.
Until next time~
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