But nonetheless, I do think you should check it out, it's called "Cathedrals".
The main idea of the album that really caught my attention was the fact that we were "not meant to be alone", we need to be in a community. And as I look back in this year, I have longed for such a thing, but never really got it.
So I guess this is gonna turn into a rant about how anti-social I've become.
Here goes.
Well to be fair, I haven't been the most social person for a good many years. I still look back on myself when I was younger and I was actually pretty 'social' - I actually started conversations in public.
I really don't know what happened, but somewhere along the line I became extremely passive. I only spoke when spoken to, I became no fun.
Now that I really think about it, it was probably partially due to the fact that I came to 'trust God' more, so I 'did less', so he could 'do more'. It probably wasn't the best thing to do.
But anyways, this 'anti-social' behaviour just went downhill exponentially.
The more anti-social I became, the easier it was to become so, and the harder it was to be social. At one point, I just called quits and started lying to myself. I told myself I don't need anyone, cause cool people keep to themselves.
From then on, when given the chance to attend social events and catch up with friends, I became quite reluctant and avoided such occasions quite often. I was cool with having no friends.
Though during this time, I wasn't exactly locked up at home 24/7 avoiding any human contact. I still went to church and youth group, so there was that.
But anything other than that, I generally didn't care for too much.
This is all exaggerated by the way, I did occasionally catch up with close friends I hadn't seen in awhile, but I still felt pretty uncomfortable cause I hadn't seen them in so long and didn't know how to interact with them. Luckily all of my friends are more social than me so it worked out fine.
That's pretty much been me for the last 3 or so years.
Then enter University - the place where getting friends is like grasping a ghost.
I didn't know how to make friends, I couldn't find where to, it was like chasing the wind so I gave up. Church still existed for awhile, so I wasn't completely devoid of friends.
I guess sometime around deciding to leave the church, I started to come to my senses and realise how important having human companionship is.
But now it's too late, social life doesn't exist for me any longer.
There is no scheduled social time with going to church anymore.
What kind of social life do I want?
To be honest, and this may sound really cheesy and leave me vulnerable, but I guess this is the point in this post.
I long to have some to talk to, in person - on a regularly basis, like every week.
I want someone I can talk to about anything, whether it be what my favourite colour is, how lost I am in life, or how I might have had suicidal thoughts. (I haven't recently for the record) I want someone who I can be completely transparent to.
Not only that, I hope that this person is just as transparent as they are with me.
Someone that can help me stand, and maybe I can return the favour too.
I do have friends that I can hit up over the net, but these days, it's just getting too fake and too easy. It doesn't seem genuine at all. I can't tell how far our trust really is with each other. I'm not blaming any of you that have helped me over the net, I do appreciate it, but I just desire someone I can talk to face to face.
Well that's what I want but I truly believe this is too much to ask for.
I realise I might be sitting in my self pity at this very moment, and I'm seriously considering refraining from publishing this cause I'm pretty embarrassed at what I just wrote - if any of it makes sense.
But I promised, I want to to be real from here on.
I honestly don't know what I just wrote, but I know it was all from the heart and what I really felt.
TLDR: I want a real life friend.
Until next time~
No Man Is An Island - Tenth Avenue North
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