Prologue:
As I prepare to write this, I find myself reading through my older posts, trying to find a way to start this off. I realise I was once so convicted to this one thing, so inspired.
I am sad to say that that's the past now.
All those thoughts, those ideas, those lessons learnt may have shaped me into who I am today, but I have decided to leave all those behind to embrace a new perspective.
It has definitely been a good run.
_______
One night, sometime towards the end of last year not long before my 18th birthday, I was thinking critically about random things like I quite often find myself doing late at night.
There was this one thought that struck me and kept me pondering late at night for many nights to come.
"Would I ever be allowed not to go to church?"
It sucks.
That that question had to be asked.
I felt so guilty for asking it.
But at the same time, I felt that there was an evident problem if it had to be asked in the first place. I felt like a rebel for having that thought planted in me.
So rebel I did.
For as long as I remember, I stayed up for as long as I could on Saturday nights. The first few weeks were spent mulling over this question, but as time went on, it was just for the sake of 'rebelling', tiring myself out each Sunday morning.
I couldn't stand the fact that the answer to the question could have a possibility of being a "no". That I had no choice but to go to church just because I've been going for the past.. 18 years with my parents.
I was not a rebel yet though.
I was too scared to rebel, so any thought of taking any action about it was brushed aside.
At that time I was also in fact super passionate about churchy things.
I had this unending desire to continually "strengthen my faith".
I took up various roles at church that threw me out of my comfort zone: leading worship, going on a short-term mission trip, and becoming a small group leader.
But the seed was in place.
And an opportunity for it to sprout presented itself.
Along came the long summer holidays and I found myself at home by myself pretty much everyday. That allowed plenty of time for me to think about various things.
Through that time, my heart became hardened to some things.
I couldn't stand the fact that things such as prayer, reading the Bible, worship were enforced as part of my family culture.
Family Background.
My family sets apart 15-20 mins each day to get together and share about our 'daily devotions' and to pray together. It's a good thing, no doubt about that.
But with the perspective I had developed, I realised it was pretty enforced. For example when my sister was going out early for the whole day, my parents would try to wake me up early for it.
I can give them that that's commitment and dedication, but I personally felt that it was too "ritual", especially as it used something God related as an excuse to bring the family together.
And as far as I was concerned, I believe in personal conviction and choice when it comes to doing anything "christian related".
_______
From here on, these thoughts developed, and I started taking some action.
I decided to do as much as I could to not partake in any of these "rituals" at home while keeping my family happy.
It was a lie.
I also started breaking up all these "christian routines" my parents had installed in me as a child - reading the Bible, prayer, etc. I wanted to see for myself the absence of these things that I'd been doing for as long as I knew. It was also to say to myself "I can choose what to do, my parent's can't force me".
From here on forth, I became extremely convicted to one idea - the idea that being a Christian ultimately means us choosing God for ourselves - and I believed that for me being brought up in a Christian family like mine largely influenced and tainted that choice.
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