maybe four years now.
Imagine four years worth of hole digging, this hole must be pretty darn deep by now, and it sure is.
It has started to become so deep, it has recently started to feel like my home, where I was meant to be all along.
When I first came across this digging site, there was a strong desire for me to dig.
At the same time, I knew it was wrong, but I was so curious, I wanted to dig a little & see what treasures I may be able to uncover. As my spade made contact with the first layer of soil, I felt guilt, I knew I wasn't supposed to be here.
This is the biggest mistake I've ever made.
But I did find treasures, earthly treasures.
They were so irresistible, my flesh couldn't resist at that time, my spirit was too weak to fight the temptation. Each time I went back to the hole for a dig, I felt no guilt, I just felt pleasure, temporarily.
Then one day, while I wasn't digging, I found the key to permanent pleasure.
Jesus. He's our real joy, He's the real deal. He can really give us eternal pleasure, unlike the world's, which keep us craving for more.
Then why have I still been digging the hole?
Well I didn't fully commit all of me to Him, I didn't fully trust in the pleasure He can most definitely give. There was still parts of me that were reluctant & still attached to the world.
So soon, the world got the best of me, & I searched for pleasure from the hole once again.
This time around though, every time I stopped digging, I knew I'd sinned against my Father. Each time, I felt guilt, I hated myself for going back to the hole, I confessed to God.
As I kept digging, going deeper, I got more frustrated. Sometimes I was even angry with God for allowing me to come back to the hole, when clearly I had started it myself.
This kept going on & on, sometimes my spirit was able to keep the flesh from digging deeper for a long period of time, but to this day, the hole continues to get deeper gradually.
I'm extremely desperate to get out of this hole, but it feels I've gone so deep that when I look up, I can't even see a speck of blue sky. At this point, nearly all guilt has left me, the hole has become my home.
It feels the only way left is down, that I'm closer to the bottom now.
It seems Satan has won me over..
No! I won't let it.
This is the closest I've come to telling anyone about this disgraceful hole I've been digging. I know it'll help if i do tell someone, but I've been so ashamed of it, it has never been an option at all.
I really hope one day, I may be able be completely free of this hole, I hope that my flesh may be willing to destroy the spade.
I also hope that, as you read this, you may be aware of how vulnerable our flesh is against the temptations of the world. If you may be digging a hole too, God has definitely shown us a way out, we just need to be willing to lay down every single bit of ourselves.
I assure you, the pleasure of being in a relationship with our Creator is so much more worth it, & you will never regret knowing Him.
Start Again - Red
God is full of grace & mercy. It's amazing.
We can definitely start again with Him.
He will forgive us, it's a matter if you're willing to repent.
If you feel like you're at your end right now, you aren't.
God will let you start again, just turn to Him humbly & ask.