This is where I end; Right where You begin.

I've completely fucked up.

This is probably the first ever time many of you will see me swear.. hopefully it's also the last..
Sorry about it, but in all desperateness, only by using such profane language can I describe how badly I've let myself stumble in life. As I've already blogged twice about such close experiences in "dug deep down", & "digging deeper down", it seems I've dug so deep down now that I'm "closer to hell than heaven".

Darkness surrounds me.
My "old-self" vigorously tears away from inside, about to break free.
I seek refuge by indulging in the pleasures of this world.
I've let Satan win.

It is so bad how far I've fallen. I thought I was strong enough, I thought I could resist temptation whenever I chose to stop, but I was wrong.
The more darkness I let in, the more that came. Just like an exponential graph, as time increases, so does the rate at which sin floods into my life. Until the point at which it just keeps increasing indefinitely, which kinda sounds like being in hell.

One type of sin that hardly related to any other aspect in my life smothered my whole life in evil.

I thought it'd only affect that certain aspect, but no, it's made my whole self become a monster.

As I said in the beginning.. I've really f***ed up bad..

Not only has the hole I been digging been completely dirtying my mind, but it has also made me lazy & extremely vulnerable to the devil's grasp.The laziness has caused me to waste a whole half of my study leave, skip a whole week of workouts & me being vulnerable to the devil's grasp has also kept me away from God. That's every aspect of my life f***ed due to one sin I allowed to prosper. My education/future, physical, mental, & my spiritual. I also just realized I'm being a complete douche towards my family too, by being extra stubborn to my little sister & the most disappointing son any parents could ever have.

It's been extremely hard to repent, to turn back to God. The shame, the guilt just leaves me so far away from Him. I'm too ashamed to even pray at times. It seems the hope I once held, which I 'scandalized' is now out of my filthy hand's grasp. I've tried turning to His Word, but even my eyes are covered with dirt and my soul's thirst already quenched with sin.. temporarily.

I'm so glad God has allowed me to realize that I've fallen far.

I could have only known because God truly hasn't abandoned me, He's wiped some dirt from my eyes.

I cannot thank God enough for this.. I cannot thank God for anything actually.. He's done so much..

Well I'll end my ranting here, I'm sure it'll be better for all of us.

"This is where I draw the line, this is the where the old me dies" as the band Disciple writes in their new single "Draw The Line". I stop here, no more crossing the line, time to head in the other direction, the better direction~ towards God.

But as I've just let myself into such a disastrous state, I really hope it may warn you that despite how little a sin may seem, DO NOT let it grow in your life dear brothers & sisters. It may seem easy enough, but sin comes in many forms at many different times, stay alert, keep strong faith, I'll be praying for you, as being evil was never intended for us & completely corrupts us.

I confess I'm always afraid, always ashamed 

Of what's inside me 

I confess I'm always afraid, always ashamed 

Of what's inside my head

Also, at youth group & church this week, we have been talking quite a bit about justice.

This really helped me reflect on how God judges & how God has definitely been merciful to me, as no punishment has really been poured out on me yet.

It may seem that alot of the time nowadays wicked people are better off than good. Sometimes it even seems being bad provokes less tragedies than good. We may see God as unjust in our own eyes.

But really.. who are we to question God's judgement?
Who are we to decide what's just and unjust?

My pastor made a really good point today.

We are all sinful, we all deserve death as a destination.

If God was really just in the way we think is just.. then we'd all be without hope, we'd all end when we physically die because of our sin. But God decided give us redemption, to save us, to give us hope... now that is what we call injustice, what God has made just.

Does that mean we can do as much bad stuff as we want.. since we have this hope?
Most definitely not. God promises many times in the Bible that He will come back one day to judge the wicked. Just like in the passage we've been studying:
"So I will come near to you for judgement. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me," says the LORD Almighty." - Malachi 3:5

So even though we are surrounded by sin, we mustn't indulge in it. God has declared judgement against it. The wicked may seem better off now, it may even be hard to watch at times, but God works in His own time punishing all evil when He desires.
As we live our lives, remember Christ's redemption for us, how we deserve death, but Christ gave us a chance. Are we going to use it to indulge in more pleasures of the world? Or are we going to live life to the fullest for Him?

Until next time,
Godbless~

Flyleaf - Justice And Mercy (Acoustic)

Anberlin - Feel Good Drag
(One of my favourites by them)

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